Harley Quinn and the Murder of Failures
by The Batlord
Summary: Harley Quinn is known for her resourceful and ridiculous ways of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, but let's be honest, she's more known for her humorous manner of royally screwing the pooch/Hyena. Let's explore this.
1. Chapter 1

Batman and Nightwing stand shackled after an epic battle in the hideout of the Clown Princess of Crime, Harley Quinn, doomed to the most horrendous of tortures as she tries to ascertain everything they know about the Joker's newest, perfidious plot.

Harley Quinn: So, Batman, _if that is ya real name_ , you will tell me everythin'. Not just anythin', everythin', because I have ways of makin' ya talk.

Nightwing: Are we actually supposed to be scared? Cause I'm scared. Like, I'm ready to fill a bucket of poop right now.

Batman: ...

Harley Quinn: Oh, a wise guy, eh? Well, we'll see how glib ya are after I unleash the greatest of tortures known ta man!

Nightwing: Seriously, that bucket?

Harley Quinn: _The snow glows white on the mountain tonight_

 _Not a footprint to be seen_

 _A kingdom of isolation_

 _and it looks like I'm the Queen_

Nightwing: Wait... what? Seriously? "Let It Go"? I mean, that's an annoying song, but... I just can't even comprehend this right now. Is lame a form of torture?

Batman: ...

Harley Quinn: _The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside_

 _Couldn't keep it in_

 _Heaven knows I've tried_

Nightwing: Holy shit, I'm actually supposed to be suffering. She sings like Fran Drescher covering Celine Dion, but I'm pretty sure I can keep my secrets to myself. I will throw her a hundred bucks to shut up though.

Batman: ...

Harley Quinn: _Don't let them in_

 _Don't let them see_

 _Be the good girl you always have to be_

 _Conceal, don't feel_

 _Don't let them know_

 _Well now they know_

Nightwing: Hey, Batman, this might not be the most appropriate time, but do you think she knows "Friend Like Me"? That was a way better song and _Aladdin_ was a huge part of my childhood. I'd love to hear a Sopranos version.

Batman: ...

Nightwing: _Mr. Aladdin, Sir_

 _What will your pleasure be?_

 _Let me take your order_

 _Jot it down_

 _You ain't never had a friend like me!_

Harley Quinn: Shut up! This is my show and no one will besmirch the name of Idina Menzel! There will be no interruptions or refunds!

Nightwing: Sorry.

Harley Quinn: Thank you. Ahem...

 _Let it go, let it go_

 _Can't hold it back anymore_

 _Let it go, let it go_

 _Turn away and slam the door_

 _I don't care_

 _What they're going to say_

 _Let the storm rage on_

 _The cold never bothered me anyway!_

Batman: *click*

Harley Quinn: Click?

Batman rubs his wrists after freeing them from his shackles and grabs a batarang.

Harley Quinn: Aw... curses.

* * *

After the defeat of Harley Quinn and the Joker, Batman sits at the Batcomputer as Nightwing looks over his shoulder.

Nightwing: Well, that was a hell of a thing. Too bad Harley wasn't more of a torturer or else we might have been in trouble.

Batman: *mumbles to himself*

Nightwing: Are you... singing?

Batman: ...


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello, I'd like ta order fifty-six pepperoni, olive, pineapple, and anchovy pizzas."

...

"No thanks."

...

"Yeah."

...

"McDouchebat. Yeah, that's right."

...

"The Batcave."

...

"Huh? Whaddaya mean ya don't know where tha Batcave is?! How is Batman supposed ta get pizzas if ya don't know where he lives? 'I live'. Don't ya at least have a drop off spot?"

...

"That's crazy! I've called every pizza joint in town and not one has ever delivered a pizza to Batman! 'Me'. How can ya- 'I' live without pizza?"

...

"Hello? ... Hello?"

...

"Aw... curses."

...

"Wait... Nightwing seems like a lo mein guy..."

...

*beep boop bip*


	3. Chapter 3

"And now, Harley Quinn's greatest battle! Tha final triumph in her battle of wills over tha Dork Knight and his dweeby protege, tha Boy Blunder! See now, as I, tha Clown Princess of Crime, destroy tha forces of truth, justice, and tha Gotham violation of basic human rights in a battle to tha death!"

...

 _*IHrtJ69 sent out MR. MIME*_

 _*NiteWig sent out SCIZOR*_

 _*MR. MIME used Psychic*_

 _*It's not very effective...*_

 _..._

"What?! That's heifer doodoo!"

...

 _*Foe SCIZOR used X-Scissor!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*MR. MIME fainted!*_

 _..._

"Oh no ya don't, bird brain! Tha Quinn will not be denied!"

...

 _*Do it! VULPIX!*_

 _*VULPIX used Flamethrower!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*NiteWig switched for GRENINJA!*_

 _..._

"And what, dirty birdy?!"

...

 _*VULPIX used Fire Blast!"_

 _*It's not very effective...*_

 _*Foe GRENINJA used Surf!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*VULPIX fainted!*_

...

"Crappola! The Quinn is on tha ropes! But this battle is just beginning!"

 _*Do it! ONIX!*_

 _*ONIX used Rock Throw*_

...

"It is time, twerp! Youse shall now feel tha wrath of tha Quinn!"

...

 _*Foe GRENINJA used Surf!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*ONIX fainted!*_

...

"I am begginin' to see a flaw in my perfect battle plan... SCREW IT! Tha Quinn got this!"

...

 _*Do it! MEOWTH!*_

 _*MEOWTH used Bite!*_

 _*It's not very effective...*_

...

"Oh come on!"

...

 _*NiteWig switched for HITMONLEE!*_

 _*MEOWTH used Fury Swipes!*_

 _*MEOWTH's attack missed!*_

...

"Scheisse, scheisse, scheisse!"

...

 _*MEOWTH used Scratch!*_

 _*Foe HITMONLEE used Jump Kick!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*MEOWTH fainted!*_

...

"Oh my god, seriously? How is this not cheatin'? I'm callin' the Pokemon League... Cheatin' Department."

...

 _*Do it! Jigglypuff!*_

 _*JIGGLYPUFF used Sing!*_

 _*JIGGLYPUFF's attack missed!*_

...

"I don't know who... but SOMEONE'S PC is gettin' a computer virus."

...

 _*Foe HITMONLEE used Hi Jump Kick!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*JIGGLYPUFF fainted!*_

...

"Now I am become death, tha destroyer of bitchass Pokemon trainers what think they can **** with tha Quinn!"

...

 _*Do it! BULBASAUR!*_

 _*NiteWig switched for CROBAT!*_

 _*BULBASAUR used Razor Leaf!*_

 _*It's not very effective...*_

...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

...

 _*Foe CROBAT used Air Slash!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*BULBASAUR fainted!*_

...

"Ahahahahaha! You think this is it, Batboy?! You think tha Quinn is licked! There's only one man who can lick tha Quinn and you ain't him! YOU AIN'T HIM, DO YA HEAR ME!?"

"Harley, it's 2:30 in the morning. Can you please keep it down?"

"Shut up, Red! This does not concern you!"

"Oh my god, whatever."

...

 _*Do it! PIKACHU!*_

 _*PIKACHU used Thunderbolt!*_

 _*It's super effective!*_

 _*Foe CROBAT fainted!*_

...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Mommy likes it! Tha Quinn will touch your corpse and turn it inta gold with which she and her Mistah J shall buy tha world!"

"Jesus Christ, Harley, I'm trying to sleep. Everybody's trying to sleep. If Mr. Reynolds calls the cops one more time we will have to move."

"**** you! **** all of youse! I will have all of youse guts for my garters! Do ya hear me?!"

"Thank god for headphones and Alanis Morissette."

...

 _*NiteWig switched for TYRANITAR!*_

 _*PIKACHU used Thunderbolt!*_

 _*It doesn't effect foe TYRANITAR!*_

...

"Your liver... I desire it... it will be mine... no matter tha cost... heheh... no matter how cute ya butt is..."

...

 _*Foe Tyranitar used Earthquake!*_

 _*PIKACHU fainted!*_

...

"I lost... no... I must... I can't... I-"

...

Harley's window shatters. With a resounding thunk something embeds itself into her wall. Startled, she swings around to see a birdarang still quivering against the cheap plywood of her dilapidated hovel, a letter fluttering in the night's wind.

...

 _IHrtJ69 is out of usable POKEMON!_

 _IHrtJ69 paid a concussion as the prize money..._

 _... ... ... ..._

 _IHrtJ69 whited out..._

 _NiteWig scurried to Arkham Asylum, protecting IHrtJ69 from further concussions..._

...

"Aw... curses.


End file.
